Father? may I say “since” instead of “if” on “since the Lord is for me who can be against me?” And will you remove from me the fear of you please? The bad fear. I know we’re supposed to respect you and hold you in high esteem and all that, but the bad fear, would you please remove the bad fear of you from me?”
“Yes Janine, I will. I have to work with your little ones, so it’ll take a little bit of time. Remember what I taught you. All things take time.”
‘Yes Father, thank you. Father, is it my fault that people have been mean to me and done things to me?’
Jesus said “no it’s not your fault.”
‘But, is it my fault as an adult, that people have said mean things to me and done things to me, but mostly said mean things to me?’ “How other people behave is NOT your fault. Sometimes the way you have said things hasn’t been really great, but you’re getting over that. You’re learning.”
I just yelled at everybody in my life, from when I was a kid to a teenager to an adult that it’s not my fault, they are wrong. It is not my fault, it is their own fault. It is not my fault. I’m reminded to take the essence, No Blame.
4.22.18 forgetting me
‘Jesus I have a problem that I think that people forget me. I know you’re not going to forget me because I’m important to you. But people forget where I am and they forget that I’m gone and they forget me and I just had a thought, when I was reading something about a calling, I said in my head, don’t forget me, don’t forget that you have to give me a calling. I have a problem. It’s because I know that I am important to you, that I know you won’t forget me.
Lord, this is a problem, and it has permeated my entire life. I ask that you heal me, heal my little ones, whatever it takes, whatever it takes Jesus. I give you carte blanche to my spirit, soul and body in the name of Jesus.
Lord, I have a feeling that’s one of the problems when I was small. People would forget me and I ended up in places with my grandfather and it was not good. People would be so glad to be rid of me, because they said I talked all the time. They wanted to be rid of me. They’d forget about me or something, God I don’t know what it was, but you do. I was told I didn’t start talking until I was two. My mother used to say that and then she’d say to whoever she was talking too, “and she’s never shut up since.” Father that wasn’t funny and it hurt my feelings. I forgive her for saying that. She was not a good mother and she did not try. I forgive her for that Lord.’
I read an entry I made some time ago, where I was asking God, is the anointing a place? Because people say get into the anointing. I just saw it as a blurb and I started thinking how stupid that was. How stupid that was to think that. So then I started crying. And then I realize this must be one of those things where Jesus says that I have to learn from the two-year-old how to fight the devil. So I put my phone down and I told the devil that I am God’s daughter and I am not stupid. That God doesn’t make stupid people. I said, ‘I resist you, I resist you, you flea’ and he did. And then I started crying again and Jesus asked, “why are you crying?” ‘Basically I’m crying, because it seems like things aren’t working like they’re supposed to work. I haven’t taken off any more weight other than that 6 lb in the first week of doing keto. And I’m on day 46. And just things… I don’t know. Sometimes it gets to me, because there’s so much I don’t know and I’m so old in chronological years, it would be nice to be able to say that I’ve arrived.
This ‘buck up’, you know? Buck up, put your big girl panties on, stiff upper lip and all that? Sometimes I can’t buck up God. No, no, I can buck up, it’s just I wish, I just wish that I knew something as an adult. I wish that I was successful at something.