I went from trying to be a square peg fitting into a round hole, to being happy fitting my square peg into the wild unknown.
I went from wanted to unwanted in 2 short years. I was molested, abused, emotionally neglected and abandoned. I used to want to kill myself, a couple times I tried [not whole-heartedly] as a teenager.
I was, essentially, given birth and left to fend for myself. I internalized all the abuse, as most of us do. Every time an abuse would happen, it split a part off of me. I call it a wounded part, some call it alternative personalities, some call them fragments. They are ‘wounded parts’. When an abuse happens, sometimes a part of us splits off to deal with it as they see it, from the wounded angle. More in my book
I was taught a few things. Put away outside tools; work first, play later. I was taught to fly fish, shoot, clean what I caught or shot, track, enjoy nature, gather wild edibles. That was the extent of my teaching.
I wasn’t taught how to integrate with society. How to think, what to think, how to say the right thing, the nuances of being a human, much less a girl. How to eat right, brush my teeth, floss, put make-up on, wipe, what this is and how that works. Zip.
I found Jesus in 1979. It wasn’t until 1981 that I fully committed to him and went his way, instead of my own.
The pithy saying, Christians aren’t perfect just forgiven, is certainly true of us all. We are all a work in progress. But as God told me, I am a work in process. Process= a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end.
In 1991, I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and put on prozac. I started taking an herb combo with it and got a lot better. My Christian psychologist didn’t like it and refused to see me anymore. It didn’t fit in the ‘norm’.
A different psychologist taught me I need new tapes to run in my head, but she wouldn’t give me the words. I couldn’t find them on my own, because all I heard was how stupid I was, how unworthy, fat. All I knew was that I must be ugly, because people said if I would lose weight I would be pretty. It wasn’t until 2012 that ANYONE told me I was pretty.
I have utilized every avenue God has provided to get healed. Inner healing and deliverance, counseling, the Bible, herbs and flower essences. I have done an amazing amount of work with Jesus to get free of the voices in my head, to face my fears, to learn to be a better person. To right the wrongs of my childhood. I am a work in process.
In 2013, on a road trip from Phoenix to Sacramento, Ca, God asked me if I wanted to stay with Blue Sage Naturals, my business at that time, or go deeper with him. If I stayed, he would bless me in it, if I went further, he would bless me there. He told me if I went further, ‘it would be an alone place’.
This was a huge struggle. How and why would I want more aloneness? But I did want to go further with him. Finally I said, “I want to go further”. I was going East on I-10 in the middle of the desert. Very apropos. When I said ‘further’, he said, ‘you won’t be alone, there are others there.’
In 2015 he told me to ‘use and sell flower essences’. Huh??? What? Are you kidding? I don’t believe in that witchcraft. He said, “it’s mine and I want it back.”
Then he told me to write a book on it, so others wouldn’t think it’s witchcraft. In 2019 it was published as a $4 ebook on amazon. Frequencies and Flower Essences: Witchcraft? New Age? Christian?
Even though I had dabbled in rocks and how they feel, had bottles of colored water for healing in my special place as a child, even though I had been attuned to plants, trees and flowers for decades, when I first became a Christian, some well-meaning Christian told me all that was witchcraft. I didn’t want to make God mad, so I adopted what they said. So 36 years of fear had to be worked through.
Dec 2017 God started me on a series of visions. Date nights, sessions. I have written down and recorded every. single. thing we have done and said. I’m a journal’er. He asked me to share everything. He said it will help others to feel they aren’t the only one. It will help people to see and understand Who He is.
How could I say no? Although I must admit, I did at first. I didn’t want to let everyone see the innermost part of me, now that I’ve finally gotten to a place where I fit in!
God told me to put the songs he’s given me online. I am getting them all on YouTube. They are under Janine MJoi. I have started the Youtube channel. I am putting the story God has given me, here, on this blog. Little by little, proofing as I go.
God told me to go around the country and gather flowers, make essences, teach people how to feel the plants and make essences. Have classes. He provided a van for me to travel in.
I am here to help you have joy, know God and receive healing in its’ various forms.
I started Doors To Joy, Inc, a 501(c)(3) to be the vehicle from which I can give freely. All monetary gifts are tax deductible. Please consider donating so we can continue giving freely – button upper right. The flower essences are also available for purchase to help yourself and those you love.
We are in need of a volunteer virtual assistant. Probably about 3 hours a week. Please contact me at hello @ doorstojoy.com for further info. DO let me know if any of this resonated with you!