Still Lost, But Without the Struggle

I have never felt so lost in my life. I’ve had times of not knowing what to do and times of my interests changing, but never, ever have I felt so unlike me. I often feel like I’m just paddling in place.

For decades, since becoming a Christian 45 years ago, I have struggled. Strived and struggled to be better than I am, better than I was. I’ve always known I was different. I’ve been a square peg in a round world. “Too sensitive”, “too blunt”, “too honest”, “too intense”. I was just “toooo much” for some others.

The Lord tells me I am a work in progress, not “process” but progress. At least that lets me know I’m moving onward. 🙂 He tells me He wants me to soar with Him. He tells me to “have fun”, “stop being so hard on myself”, “stop comparing myself” and to “stop being so serious and responsible”.

Then He puts me in the country, 30 minutes from anywhere, in the East. I’m a city girl! I can shoot and fish and clean fish, but that does NOT make me a country girl.

For the last 2 years especially – since moving to the farm – I’ve been feeling absolutely lost. Not liking or doing what I once did, no longer knowing who I am or what I want. I finally found a term for it that fits perfectly. I am an “empty nester” without it being about a child moving out.

I’m sure it’s fun for others watching and hearing [wood spiders are three INCHES across! ] a city girl in the country. But it’s not just any country living. It’s living in the East. The West has no chiggers. What’s a chigger? The West has cicadas, but not like the East! Reports of hundreds of thousands that will hatch in a month, for a month. Did you know the decibel level of cicadas is louder than a police siren? Yeah, me neither.

It rains a lot here. In fact, no farm has irrigation. No home has sprinklers. Weather temps go from 59F to 72F in one day.

Herbs and Animals

Sacramento, California had butterflies, but until the East, I’d never seen an Eastern Tiger Swallowtail, or a Zebra Swallowtail. I’d never seen a cardinal, yellow finch, cedar waxwing, pileated woodpecker or Carolina wren. There are pink ladyslippers in my forest, violets that grow wild with the wild strawberries in the lawn, all firsts. And I know what poison ivy looks like now.

This is exciting, but somewhere in all the moves [4] of the last 5.5 years, I’ve lost myself. Who I am, what I like to do. I still have all the stuff, but I don’t do any of it anymore. I used to love to paint, do crafts, make perfumes from essential oils, but I am no longer interested.

And horror of horrors, I’m not as interested in herbs as I used to be. I had my livelihood in herbs and herbal products for 29 years. [Blue Sage Naturals] But I picked crimson clover and purple clover heads for tea and, while they’re dry now, I haven’t done anything with them. For 2 years now I’ve been lost, not knowing who I am. I’ve purchased a lot of craft stuff and it sits on a pegboard, organized but not used. I keep it, because I’m not sure that once I’m settled into here and all the unpacking is done, maybe I’ll want to do it again. [I’ll give it 2 more years, then get rid of it if not using]

When we moved from Phoenix to Idaho, we were 1.5 yrs in that house. We lived out of boxes for 2 years in a townhouse in a city in Virginia, knowing it wasn’t going to be our forever home. Then we found a house and moved to the country, where we are 30 minutes from anywhere. This is now my home for the foreseeable future.

I have to bug spray myself before ever venturing outside. It has hawks, raccoons, opossums, foxes, chiggers, ticks and way too much gardening space. In this place we are both older. Read – more tired. Everything has changed. Locale, house type, church type, the age season, even the plumbing! From city water and sewer – to well water and a septic tank!

I’m a born-again, spirit-filled follower of Jesus. I’m in the #Flashpoint Army and attend a Baptist church in a Southern State. Even though we have different views on pretty much everything except the basic doctine of Jesus died for our sins, it’s the first time in my life I am loved and accepted for just being me!

Epiphany

On May 15, 2024 I had an epiphany. I don’t have to struggle or stive to be in a position or place that my sin of comparing thinks I should be. I’m a work in progress. I will never ‘arrive’ until I meet Jesus face-to-face. Learning and receiving, giving and sharing what I know and who I am is my mission. It’s not about what I DO, it’s about who I AM.

If you have read any of this blog you will know I have struggled with ‘measuring up’ my entire life. In fact, that’s what this blog is about, to let others know they are not alone and to share the lessons, understanding and wisdom I’ve gained along the way.  The Lord has been my entire family. Holy Spirit has taught me, healed me, laughed and cried with me. He’s my cheerleader, encourager, best friend, husband. He’s everything and everyone to and for me.

With this newfound knowledge, I just received a newsletter from my online friend Laurie Pawlik from Midlife Blossoms and found wisdom [as usual] in how to look at my world right now. It is simply to watch with curiosity and keen awareness what’s going on around me, in my world, right now. Maybe, by training myself to live in the present, the farm won’t be so overwhelming. Maybe by doing so, I will find myself again.