It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been going thru some stuff. The last of my molestors died in August. My dad.
I have learned a LOT. I have made a flower essence called Rite of Passage and I’ve made one for dealing with the anger and hurt for when your molester dies. I’ll get them on the site shortly.
Today’s post is about the last of the stuff going on. I have learned so much. Much to share with you, so you too, can know how to deal with the intense anger and hurt and betrayal you may feel at times in your life.
I discovered my dad was a mean man with a chip on his shoulder. He cursed and cussed at everyone, not just me. He gave what one person described as “a tongue lashing”, to many.
He had a sly, snide, sarcastic, back-stabbing meanness to him. He loved me at one time, as a dad should, besides the other times as a dad shouldn’t.
When he got with his second wife, things changed. He changed for the worst. All his bad traits were magnified.
I imagine she stayed with him so she would be provided for later in life. It certainly wasn’t because she loved him. As he told me in 2013, she kept threatening to divorce him. That stressed him out and made him unhappy.
Since his death, others have come forward and told me they saw how she mistreated him, how mean she was when she talked to him. Some have spoken about how two-faced and mean she is. Yes, present tense. She only called me 2 hours before he died to tell me he was in hospice. She did call my sister early that day to let her know. She wasn’t even by his side when he lay dying. Even though she knew he was dying, she let him die alone. That’s pretty bad in my book. Yeah, she stuck ‘it’ out, living with him, but she’s handsomely provided for. Something she wouldn’t have had otherwise. While he wasn’t an easy person to be around – it was her choice to be with him – you just don’t let your husband die alone. Not unless you hate them.
It’s good to know all this, even at this late date. Sometimes it has felt like I’m the only one and therefore, could be wrong. But truth comes out when people’s bodies die. People aren’t so afraid to speak up.
All the people he mistreated, all the people he shut out of his life due to his stupid insistence on being childish, stubborn, pig-headed and unforgiving…yeah, the good people..were not at this funeral.
While most people saw him for who and what he was, I didn’t. I knew what he’d done to me, I knew what he’d taught me. But I never knew that others knew he was mean until he died and they started speaking up. I never knew he cut others off, never speaking to them again. Those he once ‘loved’. I never knew he held grudges. I should have, he held a grudge so long against his brother, that we never saw our cousins except when we were all at my grandmothers. And THAT is where my sister gets it. My poor sister. I was the one that got molested, not her, but she got all the bad stuff about both parents in spades.
In 2015 I told him he could no longer tell me what to do or cuss at me. He stopped all communication with me from then on. I still continued every so often to write letters to him and his wife. Just to let him know what was going on in my life. Even though he wasn’t talking to me, I wasn’t going to lower myself to his level.
Jesus Tells Me
Regarding the cabin: September, the Lord told me that my sister has always been jealous of me and He reminded me of things that happened long ago. He told me I needed to go to the cabin now, after the funeral, before winter, say my goodbyes to it because she would try to take it from me, thinking I wanted it. He told me if she thinks I want it, she will try to take it away. I went.
The things I consider important mementos, I have. I have the purple bowl that Moggie [my grandmother, with whom I lived different times in my life] always made salad in and Dad took it to the cabin and always made salad in it. I have things from memories of my childhood.
I don’t want furniture or albums or fishing poles. I have my own. Except I have my grandfather’s lures. [they catch fish every time. EVERY time] Those poor, sad, angry people in the ‘family’ I was born into, think they have ‘put one over on me’. They seem to think I am the person they used to know. LOL it’s funny. People went in and took things they wanted and things they thought I wanted. Our lives are so very different. The things you wanted, you took. The things I wanted, I have.
My grandfather, my dad, dad’s best friend Lefty. His friend Hank. People you are supposed to be able to trust, to believe, they really mess you up when they are bad people. Those who were betrayers of trust, innocence, love and childhood, they will stand before the judgement seat if they never repented. I just have to make sure I have forgiven and I have. All the people from my past, they are forgiven.
Finally understanding just how my dad really was – not just to me, but to everyone – set me free of wrong perceptions on my part. I now see things as they actually were. It set me free of the hurt.
When he died, I felt STRONG. Soul ties were broken, the Lord told me.
I know that HOW I’ve handled myself over the years with him, matters more than anything else.
I bent over backwards for him. Showing him love, forgiveness, mercy and kindness, in spite of betrayal, anger and other bad stuff I received from him. I stand here today, with my head high, shoulders back, eyes fixed on the prize I’ll receive when I see my real Father, God.
I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I have no regrets. I have nothing to hold me back from moving on. I was an excellent daughter, sister, mother. I am no longer in any of those roles.
i am free
Now, I am free from my past. The past that tried to destroy me. My past is past, all that’s past is in the past and it’s …past! LOL! I no longer have to hold on to any thing or any one in my past. I don’t have to cow-tow, I don’t have to persuade or suck up. I don’t have to bury any hurt or hide anything from anyone. I don’t have to take the short end of the stick, I don’t have to give in, or give up. I am really FREE TO BE ME. They don’t have anything I want. Not a thing. [and I’m really glad to be free of all the drama and anger]
The past tried to destroy me. That’s what Satan does. He tries to steal, kill and destroy people’s lives. But what my past has done is make me STRONG. I am who and what I am, because of my past. I have overcome my past and I am a strong woman of God today.
I am the righteousness of God, I am redeemed. I’m moving out into the new; where laughter, love and new things He has for me, await. Phil 3:14.
SO LONG PAST! I WON’T miss you!