My Dad’s Body Died Last Nite

Well, my Dad’s body died last nite, Aug 17. The one who molested me, talked dirty to me, called me names, cussed me out. The one who ghosted me so many times when he couldn’t get his way, I’ve lost count.

The last time being 2015, when he told me how stupid I was that I wanted to go to Israel. I told him he no longer had the right to tell me what to do since I no longer lived under his roof and haven’t for decades. Nor was he allowed to call me names anymore.

He quit talking to me. He quit having all contact with me. On my end, I worked through the issues and forgave him. I let him know that I had forgiven him. I reached out to him several times, calling, emailing, writing letters- snail mail.

Never a word from him. I just chalked it up to his ‘issues’. There were too many times in my life that I had to deal with his childishness, his anger, his name calling, his emotional abusiveness to let silence bother me. Most of the time, it was actually nice.

It was in the working through of my feelings from that last episode that I realized something. I realized that God, THE God of the universe, was my Father. I fully understood it. What an awesome, amazing revelation I received from something that was designed to hurt me.

Now that my earthly dad has passed on, I feel strong. It’s a strange feeling.

The Lord told me that one thing people say about forgiveness isn’t entirely true. They say that if we have forgiven, that’s enough. If the other person hasn’t forgiven, it’s not on us. However the Lord told me that’s not always true. If there has been strong emotional ties to a person or if there has been sexual actions of any kind, there are ‘thread-like’ things around a person. [It’s hard to describe what He showed me. I see it in my ‘mind’s eye’.] He told me there is something like threads floating in the air, like cobwebby stuff. They can be around a person and/or toward a person, sometimes they can engulf a part of a person. He said when the one that did not forgive dies, that is broken off. And that is why I feel strong now.

I am no longer fighting against an unseen and unknown angst. I didn’t know there was a hostility in the spirit world directed toward me, until it wasn’t there anymore. LOL this sounds silly, I’m a Christian, I know there is a hostility in the spirit world directed toward every Christian, but I didn’t understand it in this way. {update: The Lord has since shown me that those cobwebby threads are soul ties. I know about soul ties, I just NEVER thought of them coming from my parent. It makes sense though. It was someone I trusted, looked up too, feared [in a non-healthy way] and was attached to. People doing inner healing and deliverance ministry, take note of soul ties from parents.]

Distant memories of things I remember he liked have come up, but for the most part, I’ve dealt with all that already. It’s the stuff I’ve learned since he died that have thrown me for a loop. Like instead of him asking if I wanted anything before he and his second wife moved into a Senior care place, he sold it. Things he would know I wanted or could use. That he hated me that much, that’s been a tough one to deal with. But I have.

He never told me he was proud of me. Said he loved me at the bottom of letters sometimes, but rarely in person. Any relationship I had with him as an adult was on his terms. The minute it was not on his terms, he ghosted me. Like when my son was small and he wanted to leave his bottle of booze at my house, so when he came over he could have his drinks. I would not let him. I told him I didn’t want it in the cabinet for John to find. He argued with me that it would be far enough back. I told him I just didn’t want it in there, that Johnny was always getting up in the cupboards. He said “fine I will never come over again.” He never did. He wouldn’t help me move when I needed help. He wouldn’t do anything.

love shouldn't hurt
Love Shouldn’t hurt

He had an underlying angst all his life. He was also an alcoholic. I never saw him ‘drunk’, what happened with him is he got belligerent, mean. Super sarcastic. And he drank all the time, all day long.
So much he missed out on later in his life, because he wouldn’t ‘get over it’, ‘forgive and forget and move on’. For the part of his life that I remember him most, when he was single, he would get angry and get over it quickly. We are alike in that. However there came a time in his life where that changed, when he got back together with his second wife. After her, he never turned loose of grudges, he never got over anything quickly again. I also wasn’t allowed to just go over to his house anymore.

The man had few friends and those he had, would only see him once or twice a year, because of his volatile temper. He never changed his behavior. He never thought relationships were important enough to keep. He often was inappropriate in what he said and in what he did. [Note, when it’s a female that’s in appropriate, no one will let her change in their eyes and they avoid her at all costs. When it’s a male, they laugh it off and keep him at arm’s length. ]

More than half of my lifetime, he was petty, demanding, controlling and mean-mouthed. He ghosted, manipulated, abused me emotionally and molested me.

On the other hand: He taught me how to fish, shoot, clean both; forage and track animals. He was musical and there were often jam sessions with neighbors.

He knew I got the short end of the stick always whenever my sister was around. She would get all the new, pretty clothes, I’d get the others. I remember one time he made others aware of it.

shrimp cocktail
Shrimp Cocktail

My Dad was sensitive, inventive, entrepreneurial, musical, thought outside the box and was a superb cook.
At the end of every year was his birthday and the next day was New Year’s day. He would always watch football, the one day a year he did. He would make himself shrimp cocktail, all kinds of dips, get chips, steak, all the good things he loved and would sit all day eating and enjoying the game. He was fond of smoked oysters in the can, gardinera and eating well at the cabin.

He loved to fish and taught me how to fly fish when I was six. I have the photo to prove it. 🙂  He worked hard, was generous to everyone and would help others when he saw a need without being asked. I take after him in that regard as well. He got a kick out of what an excellent shot I was. That was the closest he came to saying he was proud of me. Even when I was successful with my own business, he never said a word.

During his lifetime he played many roles. One time he had a radio show where he interviewed Dan Blocker. He was Hoss on “Bonanza”. More can be found here on his memorial page I put up.

He was frugal, thrifty. Most of the time, he would wash off tin foil and reuse it. But he always had a folder that he called ‘chickens’ that had extra cash in it, first from selling the eggs. Later, just cash he put in it. Petty cash. He would often give me money from the chicken folder or tell me to get some money out of it for gas or things. Even when he didn’t have a lot of money, he always had a chicken folder.

His thriftiness stood him in good stead, because he bought a house in Hugo, Oregon, then last year was able to afford one of those senior living places in Grants Pass and where he lived for 1.5 yrs, til he was 93.5.

In many ways I take after him. In all the good things. For many years I also took after him in the bad things. Everything except drinking. I worked for many, many years to not be like him in the bad things. I can truthfully say that I am not like him. Not anymore. I do not fly into rages, I do not hold grudges, I am not mean, I am not belligerent. I don’t drink, I haven’t been sarcastic for decades, thank God. I have a good command of the English language, but I don’t use it against people.

One in this family says, ‘I’m cut from the same cloth as him and I’m proud of it’.

If you are entrepreneurial, generous, sensitive and a hard worker, then sure. But if you’re proud of your mean mouth, holding anger and grudges, you might want to rethink what you are proud of.

To those who grieve for him, I’m sorry for your loss.

For me? It’s no different, he’s been dead in my world for years. I grieved him long ago, now I’m dealing with the mourning.

Grief – sudden sadness at something. Death, loss. If prolonged, it turns into mourning. Generally grief goes to mourning. Mourning what you did not have, recieve, do, say.  This is the natural course of events.

Mourning – being sorrowful about something for a length of time. Mourning what you did not have, receive, say, do. If not dealt with, it becomes a…

Spirit of heaviness – being weighed down by mourning or sadness or unforgiveness or self-blame; so much so, that it becomes a tangible something. Like hopelessness, depression.

Isaiah 61:1-3

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me
    to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released
    and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord’s favor has come and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning,
    a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
That they may be called trees of righteousness, planted by the Lord and that HE may be glorified.

This is my mission, my mandate and my calling. To set the captives free emotionally thru knowing Jesus and by sharing my innermost thoughts and self with others, so they will not feel alone, stupid, etc., and so others will be able to glean lessons from my lessons, so they will be set free of _their_ issues. To facilitate all this by using the flower remedies for issues of the soul.



"Being an adult, being mature, is not based on age. It's based on us being willing to learn, to grow up in our emotions. To give up our grievances and change our perceptions when they are not based on truth.  "

Janine Joi

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