What a RELIEF to finally say it OUT LOUD. My earthly Dad molested me!
My earthly mother abandoned me, neglected me, emotionally abused me. She’s still alive in body, in Elk Grove, Ca.
WHAT A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY! And it continues with those that are without Jesus that are still alive.
So this is my entry from last night, 9.10.21. I see the waves of hurt and anger still come. Imagine, he left me money. Apparently, he had a list of what he wanted each of us to get. But he sold most of mine in the estate/moving sale I wrote about earlier.
The trustee, went to see her yesterday, 9.9.21 and Carol told her to tell me she is ‘sending by transport’ the things on the list. What list? Some letter I apparently wrote some years ago of what I wanted. However he sold most of it in his moving sale. [Good thing I’m past holding on to ‘stuff’ now]
It would be easier for her to call me up and ask if I want them. I called her yesterday and left a message for her to call me. I can probably save her the trouble of shipping, if she’d let me know what they are. The Trustee said ‘it’s amazing, she has probably 4 or 5 of them.”
So last night’s entry. If you are reading The Cork Road, you will know that the words of Jesus are in double quotes ” and my words are in single quotes ‘. It’s MUCH easier to know who’s talking doing it this way. Parens are from today, 9.10.21 explaining to you or for myself]
‘Lord, why did he hate me so much that he wouldn’t talk to me?’
“Because you were so much like him.”
“Because you reminded him of himself before he was tied down with…”
“With anger. He used to get over it, like you said. But he allowed it to catch in his craw and he wouldn’t cough it up.”
‘Allowed what? His anger?’
“Yes. The older he got, the easier it was for him to get away with acting like a child. Plus he had an enabler.”
“Yes. He had a lot of anger and unforgiveness inside him, Janine. He had a lot of ‘issues’. Will you give him forgiveness? Will you give him some of yours? And will you forgive him?”
‘He’s dead now, he’s not going to know if I give him forgiveness.’ I said crying.
“Not in his physical body, but I will tell him. Let him know. You said on Father’s Day that you did forgive him.”
‘I did forgive him. It’s just that things are opening up again and it just hurts again.’
“Then forgive him and give me your hurt.”
‘Saying I forgive you is relatively easy. But giving you the hurt is hard.’
“I know it is baby. I wish I could do it for you, but I can’t. You have to release the hurt and with it, the right to be hurt. Because you definitely have a right to be hurt.”
‘Dad, how do I release the hurt with the right to be hurt?’
“You have to reach down deep, deep into your soul. You have to, in your mind’s eye, open up the deepest part of your heart – which is your soul – open it up, spread that little v part at the very bottom of your heart. You have to go down there and spread it apart, just a centimeter, just a tiny bit. When you do that I will reach down and together we will lift up that chunk of hurt. Yes, you see it. It looks like a jagged crystal doesn’t it?”
‘It does Daddy.’
“Do you want to do it right now? It might take a while.”
‘Okay Dad I’m down there, it’s kind of dark in here, but I know it’s okay. It’s just kind of cavernous and dark. But I know you’re here.’
“Yes, just like you feel me at church.”
‘Are we both going to go down there or do I go down there by myself?’
“You go on down.”
I start to go down and I start to slip and I’m sliding, it’s wet and slippery, like a raw liver. [I know how it feels because I’ve been around a lot of deer livers]
‘Daddy? Liver was an analogy, so is this my liver?’
“It’s where the anger is held baby, but this is your heart. Your heart and your liver are very important and they work hand in hand.”
‘Is this the long part you were talking about?’
He laughed. “No baby, that’s for another day.”
‘Oh, good.’ I said with a sigh of relief.
He laughed again.
I’m feeling the sides with both hands as I’m sliding down. I’m thinking…I know you’re still here because I trust that you’re still here. I don’t smell you, I don’t feel you, but I sense you.
‘This is new for me Dad, sensing you.’
“Yes sweetheart, it’s discernment of a finer kind. Like pastry flour is finer than cake flour.”
‘You use the oddest metaphors sometimes.’
I’m standing at the bottom. I’m not going to think that I’m alone because I’m not alone. (That was Satan trying to get me to fear). But it’s dark, very dark and it’s slippery wet. ‘Daddy I’m down here.’
I hear nothing. But I know that He’s with me. [I get it God, that you are always with me, just to go ahead and do ‘it’.] I put my back against one side of the v and I push with my feet.
It’s like I’m really small, it’s like I’m a child. That’s how I see myself. Like I’m three or four or five. I put my back against one wall of the v and I push with my little legs against the other wall and it gives ever so imperceptibly.
A flood of crystal clear water came down with an angel.
“There Nini, there. It’s right there, see that little gem?” [lol, you’re calling me Nini. Lotsa work for the little ones huh?’ “yes.”]
‘Yes Daddy, the one that’s glittering?’
“Yes sweetheart. Be careful now when you pick it up, don’t let it cut you, it’s sharp.”
I reached down and try to pick it up and it’s hard to pick up for some reason.
‘Daddy, I willingly give you the hurt that my earthly Dad caused me. Whether he inflicted it on me knowingly – which I know he did – or not. So let me rephrase that. The hurt and the pain that he inflicted on me knowingly, as an adult these last 6 years, I forgive him for that and I release it to you Lord. I release him to you and I release the pain.’
“Tomorrow would be an excellent day for you to do the balloons and release them. Make sure you write hurt on one of them.”
‘Okay Daddy. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or anything.’
“Just pull that up out of the water.”
So I reached down again and as I reached my hand down toward the gem, it came up to my hand. I lifted it and held it up. The water carried me up to where the angel is and the angel lifted me up to Jesus.
‘Daddy I give you my heart. I give you this hurt that I have been holding on to all these years. I give you the anger that goes along with that hurt, that I’ve been holding on to all these years. I give you the right to be hurt, because of all the things he’s done to me. I ask that you set me free from all of the pain and all of the hurt. And I willingly release my hold, my right to be hurt, my right to be angry, I give you my rights to be hurt and angry over everything that he has done to me and against me. I give it to you, no strings attached.’ [I wish I could do this carte blanche for everyone, but I know I have to do each one separately.]
I held it up to Jesus as an offering. That’s how it was being presented to him. That’s how he saw it. As an offering!!!
‘HOW can you see this awful thing as an offering?’
“Because it’s nasty, it’s evil and because it’s from your heart to give it up. It’s from your heart and your soul that you want to give it up. And you are giving it up instead of holding on to something that is hurting you and making you miserable, you are willingly giving it up.
Coleus helps with forgiveness. That’s the plant you were handling all day today.” He smiled. “You didn’t know that, did you?”
“Why don’t you make an essence of the leaves?”
‘Okay. Is there any time that you do anything with me that isn’t about flower essences anymore?’
“Not much, not often. This is a path I have chosen for you and you will excel at it. Just release yourself. Let it flow through you.
I will give you a house Janine. The house you want and the house I want you to have. And it will have a hot water faucet over the stove.”
‘And if it does not, it will be easy to route one in, right?’ [that was me not trusting my hearing.]
‘A gas stove Daddy.’
“Yes babygirl, a gas stove. A mighty kitchen.”
‘Are we done?’ “Do you want to be?” ‘Yes.’
“Then we are. Go watch your movie.”
‘Thank you Daddy.’ “You’re welcome sweetheart.” He winked. “My pleasure babygirl.” [He always said, ‘my pleasure’ at the beginning of our dates. Now a young pastor here says it when I ask him something. It’s a super special thing for me. ]
(I was watching An Unfinished Life, with Redford and Lopez. Quite apropo I thought. )”
When Your Molester Dies will be the next flower essence remedy.